A Very Hellsing Christmas
by DoomaWriter
Summary: What has Alucard done!? What shall happen to the children!? A Christmas story like no other. Read and review!
1. How the Vampire Stole Christmas

A Very Hellsing Christmas by DoomaWriter  
  
Author's Notes: I know, it's not very apropriate timing for a Christmas story, but I thought up the idea and just had to go with it. This story is suppose to be like one of those cliche Christmas specials major television channels waste time rerunning every year. But there's a difference which makes it good! If you've read the title then I'm sure you can already guess what it is.  
  
What's that? No I don't own Hellsing....now never ask again.  
  
Chapter 1: How the Vampire Stole Christmas  
  
It's Christmas Eve. Out on the streets, London is filled with Christmas decorations and joyous people out on the streets. People in coats crowd the stores to do last minute shopping. Everywhere the spirit of the season is obvious. Everywhere except for the cold and sterile Hellsing building.  
  
Being somewhat bored, Alucard decides he'd take the chance to see what the female officer was up to. Alucard's head rose through the ground and laid eyes upon the back of Seras. Alucard was ready to give her a heart attack at the sight of his seemingly decapitated head but something caught his eye and he rose all the way up. She was....decorating?  
  
"Seras." Alucard said with a look of confusion which rarely replaces his smile. She nearly jumped out of her cold skin and turned around.  
  
"M-master! You shouldn't sneak up on me!"  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
She stared at him in disbelief. "Surely you know what Christmas decorations are! I did start to put them up a little late, but they're still good. You're not that old! You must know what Christmas is."  
  
The smile returned to Alucard. "Christmas decorations?" He placed his hand to his chin and sat on her desk. "Do you really think it apropriate to hang such things being how you are?"  
  
Anger came to Seras' face. She realized Alucard had brought his hand up to show the dark symbols on his glove. "I may be a vampire now but I'm still human...sorta. I can still celebrate Christmas! Just you wait until Santa comes and hands me presents but none for you!"  
  
Upon hearing these words Alucard became quiet. In fact he didn't move an inch for a good five minutes. He then burst out in laughter. "S-Santa Clause!? Don't tell me a woman of your age still believe in such rubbish. Are you still just a kitten? For crying out loud, I only meant that I thought you were Jewish."  
  
"Rubbish? Everyone knows Santa Clause is real! Stay up tonight and see for yourself!"  
  
His laughter calmed down and back into a smile. "Well....I wasn't exactly planning to sleep." With that, Alucard walked backwards and through the wall. Seras looked down upon the floor.  
  
"Is...is Santa not real?......" Her head came up and she gripped her fist proudly. "Of course he's real! Just wait, Master! You'll see!"  
  
Alucard's head suddenly popped back in. "No I won't." Then he was gone.  
  
---  
  
Later that night, the building remained quiet. The only ones awake in the building were Alucard and the late working Integra. Seras had forced herself to lay in her coffin, knowing that one was not to be awake if they wanted a visit from Santa.  
  
In his room, the ancient vampire laid back in his chair, tipping the front legs up and placing his feet upon the table top. He waited peacefully until he began to chuckle again. "Santa....yeah right. Well, why don't I be the first to see the fat man."  
  
A moment later, Alucard was standing on top of the Hellsing mansion, grinning as usual. "Hmm?" His keen sight spotted something in the distance, headed his way. "Intruder...."  
  
---  
  
Inside her office, Integra looked over some important paperwork. I won't bore you with the details. "Jingle bells, Batman smells, Rob- Dammit! I always get these songs stuck in my head. Next time I see carolers I'll let Alucard handle them."  
  
"As you wish." The voice came from behind. Alucard was upside down and hanging from Integra's ceiling.  
  
"Why are you here, Alucard? I'm quite busy."  
  
He frowned. No matter how much he tried he couldn't surprise Integra. Oh well, he'd have to scare Seras twice to make up for it. "An intruder is heading for Hellsing headquarters. Shall I take care of him?"  
  
Remembering the aweful Valentine Brothers attack, Integra was quick to agree. "Yes! Do what you must! I shall permit brutal and unjustified killing."  
  
Once again, Alucard smiled. He vanished back to the roof laughing while his glasses seemed to glow orange. When he appeared to the roof, he reached into his red coat and took ten seconds to pull out his favorite, black, merciless weapon. The flying craft had become quite close. He let off one shot and the unidentified vehicle twisted to its side and crashed....into Hellsing's roof.  
  
It skid across, destroying the top of the building before friction stopped it a foot from Alucard. He looked down at what he shot and a sweatdrop came to his face. "This is....."  
  
---  
  
Inside Integra's office, Alucard sat against the far wall while Seras didn't even try to hide her smile. Integra sat angrilly, looking at the red man in a wheelchair with his arm in a sling and leg in a cast. "Alucard," Integra started. Alucard wanted to disappear but forced himself to stay. "Do you know what a mistake you've done?"  
  
"How was I suppose to know the bastard was-"  
  
"Did I say you could speak!?"  
  
He sunk down and remained silent. Seras stopped her skipping at the sight of her master showing fear. The injured man in red cleared his throat and began. "Its alright, I suppose. I'm not concerned with my problem as much as the world's. I mean, without me, there won't be a Christmas!"  
  
"Ha! I knew it!" Seras said regaining her joy. "You are Santa!"  
  
Integra sighed and focused on the man who was nodding to Seras. "Mr...Uh,...St. Nicholas, on behalf of Hellsing I'd like to apologize for the deed of my trigger happy friend." Alucard sank even more. "But why were you coming this way? There are no children here for you to give gifts to."  
  
"Actually, I've come for your help. The North Pole has a problem that only your organization can help me with."  
  
"Very well. To make up for this, I shall send someone to your...base. And who better than the man in red?"  
  
Alucard looked down and shook his head. "I don't like this at all."  
  
"Ooh ooh!" Seras jumped in. "Can I go too!?"  
  
With a raised eyebrow, Integra asked, "Why would you want to go? You usually don't like my missions."  
  
"Well, you see..." Seras said with embarrassment in her voice. "I...always wanted to see...the little elves in their workshop." Everyone remained quiet, staring upon Seras. To break the silence she turned to Santa and asked him what was on her mind the whole time. "Santa! Did you bring a present for me?"  
  
Knowing Seras was under Alucard's care, Integra turned to him curiously. He was now standing with his head down in shame and his back to her.  
  
"Uh, well you see, child," Father Christmas began, "You weren't actually on my list. My list only contains the names of children. And children who are....alive." Seras hung her head low in great depression. Being the caring person he was, Santa quickly replied, "But I do have a backup gift my elves make for such an occassion."  
  
He reached into the red bag behind him with his good arm and smiled as he pulled out what he was looking for. Seras looked down at the gift she just received. It was a block of wood poorly carved into the shape of a car with four wheels hammered into the sides. "Gee, Santa......thanks."  
  
"But there's still one more problem," Santa reminded them. "I'm out. Who'll deliver the gifts to all of the good little boys and girls around the world?"  
  
Integra felt a cold chill run behind her. Alucard had moved to behind Integra and sported his big grin yet again. "Everyone's off on holidays....That leaves you, Miss Hellsing."  
  
"You smug bastard," Integra whispered as her hand turned into a fist on her desk. "Very well, I shall summon Walter and we'll....deliver...the presents." She looked up to Santa again. "Before I go, tell me, have you sustained any other damages?"  
  
"Well, my sleigh does have this large hole in it. My reindeer have minor cuts and bruises...except for Rudolph who wasn't as lucky."  
  
"How is he?" Seras jumped in.  
  
"I'll tell you when I find all the pieces."  
  
To be continued....  
  
--------------------------------  
  
Author's notes: Well that's it for chapter one. I hope you all enjoy it. Chapter 2 will be up as soon as I get me some reviews. There will be more Christmas action and some more of your of the memorable cast appearing later.  
  
P.S. For those of you wondering, no I am not a blasphemous heathen or an aethiest. 


	2. Noel

A Very Hellsing Christmas by DoomaWriter  
  
Author's notes: You tolerate me! You really, really tolerate me! Well, Alucard has injured Santa Claus and now the world may miss a Christmas....again. According to my count, Christmas was nearly prevented over 1,500 times and yet, I can't remember one that never pulled through. Hmm, the odds are looking good for the Hellsing cast. Good thing I'm not the type of author who'd allow Christmas to be stolen just because everyone expects it to be saved.....or am I? Time will tell.  
  
P.S. Sorry about the whole chapter confusion you may be experiencing. Some error in uploading and for all I know, I may always be one chapter behind what the site says. Sorry...I suppose.  
  
Chapter 2: Noel  
  
At the North Pole, the little elves were all laying around with the workshop still in shambles. There were doll parts, tools, and streamers thrown everywhere yet no one cared. For the next twenty-four hours, they were free to do whatever they wanted before having to go back to making toys for the children around the world.  
  
One of the elves sat in a pile of opened letters. They were the ones children sent out to make sure they got what they wanted. "Hey, Evergreen." He said, motioning one of the others to come over.  
  
"What is it, Gary?" the other replied while walking over with a cup of coffee.  
  
"Did you check out some of these letters? I swear, they get weirder every year. I don't know what's wrong with kids today."  
  
"I hear that."  
  
"Look at this one. 'Dear Santa, I would like three sacrificial, virgin princesses. Yours truley, Little Ryan'. That's just disturbing."  
  
"Think that's disturbing, look at this one we didn't even open." He handed the envelope to Gary who saw that it was very unusual. The address had been typed, and on the back was a stamp of the words "NOT BOMB" in red. A seal kept it closed.  
  
Little did the vertically-challenged beings know, their day was about to get a lot more "unusual".  
  
---  
  
On top of the Hellsing roof, Walter looked down at his undignified outfit. He was wearing a green robe, green pants, and a long green hat with a large cottonball at the end. Around his neck were two large jingle bells. "Miss, Hellsing...must I really do this?"  
  
"You should be grateful. I have to play the part of a fat, elderly male." Integra stood in a red outfit outlined in white. Her hat was much like Walters, but a lot shorter (and red). Her slim figure wasn't very fitting but she had refused to wear the stomach padding.  
  
Seras and Alucard stood on the roof as well. Seras was dressed in a thick suit for the winter weather but Alucard remained in his normal outfit. .Surely you weren't expecting him to be in something else? The great vampire stood as stiff as a pole and his body didn't sway even in the hardest winds.The sight of Integra in a Santa get up had greatly overwhelmed him.  
  
Integra glanced over at Seras who seemed to be stuttering and scratching her head. "If you have something to say, then just say it."  
  
"Uh...well..." Seras didn't know how to put what she meant into words. "If you're going to play Santa....you'll have to act....jolly." The second she finished speaking, Seras cringed back and blocked her face for any potential blows.  
  
"If anyone sees me, it would only be from a great distance away. I only need to wear these clothes. Don't worry about how I shall act. My main concern is trying to look like a man."  
  
Seras and Walter looked away from Integra and didn't speak as beads of sweat came down their foreheads. Seras scratched her nose and Walter coughed into his hand. The board of wood known as Alucard teetered and fell backwards.  
  
"Uh..Excuse me, ma'am." Walter began. "Why am I dressed like an elf? I'm much too tall to-"  
  
"Actually, according to my knowledge of fictious creatures, elves are quite tall. The ones portrayed by the media are closer to gnomes. The only way elves could be that small would be if they were given anti-growth drugs of some sort which I doubt St. Nicholas has the mentality to do."  
  
---  
  
Inside the Hellsing building, Santa was staring at a file of the recently deceased members of Hellsing stating how they died. He gave out a hearty laugh bigger than the last as he changed the pages.  
  
---  
  
"Come on, Alucard," Integra said as she sat down in the damaged sleigh next to Walter. "I'll fly you and Seras to the North Pole. This sleigh will be the fastest method."  
  
The words snapped Alucard back to consciousness and he quickly stood on his feet. "What? I wouldn't be caught alive in that thing! I would rather share a cab with the Pope than-"  
  
"Alucard. Thanks to you, I am now in a Santa suit and have to deliver presents to thousands, if not millions of children." Her right eye began to twitch. "Do you know how angry that makes me? And you have the audacity to argue with-" She stopped as she saw Alucard fling Seras into the sleigh and jump in right after her.  
  
---  
  
One unimaginably awkward sleigh ride later, Alucard and Seras found themselves alone in front of the fabled workshop. Seras was hopping and singing with joy around her master. "Deck the halls with balls of holly! Fa la la la laah, la-" She stopped when she noticed the barrel of a 454 Casull in her face."  
  
"I highly suggest you stop that." her master said.  
  
"But, master, I thought you had finally found the spirit of Christmas. You're smiling."  
  
Alucard couldn't explain it, yet this horrible situation caused him to smile...more than usual. "I don't know...this atmosphere...I find something enjoyable with it." With that he walked toward the door with Seras chasing behind.  
  
"Admit it!" Seras pushed. "You like it here and you're pretending you don't just because Santa gave me a present and nothing for you!"  
  
"Oh no, I got my Christmas present early." Alucard brought up his Jackal and rubbed it affectionately.  
  
---  
  
It took a hour or two for Alucard to get Seras to stop annoying the elves with her uncommon cheering and yapping. It took just as long for Seras to get the elves to stop tripping over themselves to get away from Alucard. It didn't help that he was constantly smiling in his creepy way. Finally they were told that one of the reasons they were brought to this place was of a dangerous letter.  
  
Alucard looked at the back of the card and saw the bold red lettering. His eyes caught the seal. If he had been a dog, his tail would of been wagging at the speed of sound right about then. The envelope tore to pieces and the elves who thought of it as a letter bomb passed out. Alucard read it out loud.  
  
" 'Dear Santa, it is crucial that I speak to you immediately about your unsatisfactory work in the past. This letter is to inform you that I plan to give you a visit upon Christmas Eve and it's in your best interest to meet me when I arrive. I won't be happy if I have to hunt you down. May God have mercy on you because He knows that I won't. Ever yours, Father Ale-"  
  
Alucard's blood fell onto the letter and the faces of the now-traumatized elves who stood too close. Seras froze in the shock of what she was seeing. A large supply of scalpel blades were lodged into her master's torso.  
  
The vampire in red fell into a bloody mass on the ground. Behind him, the door to the workshop was left open and an increasingly loud laugh laugh of dementia could be heard. The elves all scrambled around in a panic yet Seras knew running was futile. In the doorway a large shadow engulfed the entrance and the only thing that could be seen was a shining cross moving a little in the wind.  
  
"Dust to dust....Amen."  
  
To be continued...  
  
--------------------------------  
  
Author's notes: Did you get the title? Its a pun. Think about it.  
  
Ooh, a cliffhanger. I bet I got your interest now, eh? Are you as excited as I am? Then review and let me know. Hurry. Hurry! HURRY! HURRY!! 


	3. Walter and Integra's Excellent Adventure

A Very Hellsing Christmas by DoomaWriter  
  
Author's notes: Oh my, things are getting exciting. You go down to Santa's workshop to fix a problem and a whole new one stabs you in the back. Apparently someone hasn't found the spirit of the season. I hope all those elven extras don't get mixed up into the carnage...Although, the idea does make me chuckle.  
  
Chapter 3: Walter and Integra's Excellent Adventure  
  
On a large farm, a family of three stands in the snow. A farmer and his wife try to console their son but are having trouble keeping straight faces themselves. The family's crops had all died and they now had nothing to pay their land keeper. Soon, the farm, the animals, and their home would be gone.  
  
"I'm sorry, Billy," the father said with a sigh. "It looks like there won't be a Christmas this year." He looked to the sky in a futile attempt to find comfort. "Let's get inside, no use catching cold."  
  
"It'd take a miracle to save us now." The mother said before turning and heading in herself. The boy now stood alone.  
  
"Santa," he began with a tear in his eye. "If you're real...Please....c- can't you help us?"  
  
---  
  
The family was now asleep. This would be the last night they'd sleep in their own beds. But wait, far in the distance a soft sound could be heard. The sound of...bells. Yes, thirty-two hooves galloped down from the night sky and onto the roof. It was none other than good ol' St. Sir Integra Wingates Hellsing and little Walter, her stand-in elf.  
  
"This has been the longest night of my life," Integra said while lighting a cigar. "So what do we have for the little leech at this house?"  
  
"What a disgrace to Santa's name," Walter whispered to himself as he pulled out the large list of names and addresses.  
  
"Excuse me? I didn't catch that."  
  
Despite the fact that it was winter, Walter now found himself sweating ferociously. "Uh, I said the one who lives here is called Billy!"  
  
"What do we need to get this one? I'm not hauling another big screen television set!"  
  
"Hmm, let's see." As he read, Walter noticed that this gift wasn't like most of the others. "Oh my, how interesting."  
  
"I don't like interesting," Integra said, putting out her cigar into the side of the sleigh. "Interesting means complicated."  
  
---  
  
Integra stood in front of the door with Walter shaking his head behind. She took out a small card and slipped it through the crack in the side of the door. The card went up and down as Integra tested the knob. Finally, the door opened and the two walked in. For some reason, dropping down a chimney didn't appeal to her.  
  
The gift was set next to Billy's hand and the two took to the sky once again. "Very unusual," Walter said. "I really don't know why a young boy would ask Santa Claus for indecent magazines."  
  
---  
  
Meanwhile, at the Hellsing mansion, good ol' Santa was busy keeping himself entertained. He raced his wheelchair through the halls as fast as he could while imitating racecar sounds. "And, oh my, Crazy Man Cringle takes the lead!" He shouted to himself. "Ho ho ho, I tell ya, in my whole career as a professional wheelchair-racing announcer I have never seen such skill!"  
  
At the end of the current hall, St. Nick stopped then turned his chair around. A fun idea had popped into his head. Though hardly visible from underneath his huge beard, a sly smile appeared. "Whoa, what's this!?" he began once again. "It looks like- Yes! Crazy Man Cringle's going to do a wheelie! Can he do it!?"  
  
The chair sped up, faster and faster. "Three!...Two!...ONE!" Santa tilted his chair back and the front flew up. Unfortunately it kept flying up and the old man slammed the back of his head into the floor and he slid for another couple of feet. He took the next few minutes to moan in agony and to tell himself how stupid that idea was.  
  
---  
  
"Johnny! Go to sleep!" One innocent, little girl said to her brother whom was currently staring at the chimney with a baseball bat in his hand. "Santy's not gonna come unless we're asleep!"  
  
The boy adjusted the cooking pot on his head and tightened his grip on his bat. "Stupid! If he wanna give us presents, he'll hafta come, no matter what!"  
  
"But you've been mean all year! He won't bring any presents for you!"  
  
"That's why I gots me this bat! When he comes with your stuff, I'll pick a good spot on his skull and knock him out! Not only will I gets me presents, I'll gets me all the presents!"  
  
"Hmm, that's not a bad idea." the little girl agreed. "But what if it's Dad in a costume like last year?"  
  
"Well....I never really liked him much no how."  
  
The girl shrugged and went upstairs to her bed. Her brother sat, focused on his mission. And half an hour later, he did indeed receive a visitor. He zipped around to see the front door open. In walked a figure dressed in red and white. "Very smart, old man," he said. "You knew I was waiting by the chimney so you came through the door. Well, I'm still gonna whack you good!"  
  
His eight-year-old feet quickened and his bat raised. "YOU'RE MINE!" The bat was easily caught and a smack to the face forced him to the floor. Johnny quickly got up and placed his fists up. "You're not like any foe I've met before!" he told Integra dramatically. "But you'll soon see that I'm much more-" Another smack and he was down again.  
  
"I have really developed a dislike to children this night," Integra said, throwing the bat down. "Shouldn't you be asleep?"  
  
"Hold on, you're not Santa!"  
  
Integra was amazed how long it took the child to notice her slimmer, younger build. "Sure I am. Now be a nice kid and stay out of my way. I want to get this done as quick as possible."  
  
"Nuh-uh, you're not Santa! Santa's fat!"  
  
"Not with Slimfast."  
  
"I know you're not Santa!" Then the child's eyes caught the large bag of presents. Little Johnny, being so slick, he thought up a fiendish idea, and he thought it up quite...fast. "Tell ya what! Give me some of your presents and I won't tell nobody you're secret."  
  
Integra sighed. She had been caught, what else could she do? So she reached into her back pocket for the devious child's gift. She pulled out a gun and shot it off. The boy fell silently to the floor.  
  
After leaving the gifts, Substitute Santa walked out and reunited with Walter whom was waiting in the drive way. "That seemed to take a little while. Any problems?"  
  
"Just one kid, but I took care of him." She flaunted the tranquilizer gun and it calmed Walter instead of surprising him. (You didn't think she actually killed him, did you? That would just be morbid.)  
  
"Should you leave him now that he knows?" Walter questioned.  
  
"Even if he tells everything, who would believe him?"  
  
Walter bowed his head and chuckled inwardly. Santa walked through my door and shot me was quite hard to believe. "Quite brilliant, Miss. Oh, but there's another problem, I'm afraid."  
  
"There always is," Integra sighed.  
  
"It appears our current course leads into some fog. Without Rudolph, it will be very difficult to-"  
  
"I've prepared for such an obstacle," Integra interrupted. She reached into the sleigh and pulled out a few materials. At the front of the line, she turned around and placed a flashlight on one of the reindeer's snouts. She then pulled out duct tape and wound it around to keep it in place. The process was repeated with the other.  
  
"There," Integra said as she finished. "Headlights."  
  
To be continued...  
  
--------------------------------  
  
Author's notes: What was that? You were wondering about Alucard and Seras? Come on, they're not the only ones in this story. We'll get back to them later. I just hope no one feels that I screwed them over because I didn't!  
  
Well, okay, maybe a little. 8 P 


	4. Violent Night

A Very Hellsing Christmas by DoomaWriter  
  
Author's notes: Been quite a while. If it makes anyone feel better, I'd like to say I'm sorry. I would've updated sooner but two of my typewriting monkeys were suffering from writer's block and had to be shot and replaced. You won't believe the forms you gotta fill out. Well, now that I have enough monkeys on typewriters and helped them along with proper electroshock therapy, they've finally written the new chapter. Enjoy!  
  
Chapter 4: Violent Night  
  
Back at Santa's workshop, Alucard's body laid still as his blood leaked. Sticking up out of his back were an assortment of glimmering blades. Seras had backed up against the far wall along with the couple of elves who hadn't fainted or sat on the ground in a fetal position. She cursed herself for not agreeing to bring her Halconnen to the North Pole like her master suggested.  
  
The tall figure ducked his head down to enter through the door. When he entered the light, his features were visable. The scar, the glasses, trenchcoat and his gloves with holy messages. Indeed, it was the priest Father Alexander Anderson. He stared at Alucard's carcass and laughed at his obvious triumph. "I come in search of an evil man in red and what do I find?" he said. The priest then looked up and surveyed around the room until his sight caught Seras. "Hellsing's pet vampire's pet vampire?"  
  
"Wh-why are you here?" Seras questioned. Fear engulfed her more and more as the priest took his time to walk in her direction. When the elves beside her saw this, they all slowly inched away from her, attempting to save themselves. And when Seras saw them, she picked up two of the elves and shielded her face with them. "Y-you of all p-people shouldn't ha-hate Santa! You're on the s-same side!"  
  
Anderson stopped and distorted his face with a look that suggested that the very statement was unheard of. "Same side? With that blasphemous man!?"  
  
"Bl-blasphemous?" Seras questioned. The love for Santa made a hint of anger within her.  
  
"This man flies around and belittles the meaning of Christmas! Children begin to think of him instead of our Savior upon his very birthday! Cringle is no more than a man who wants to corrupt their young minds and have them worship him in place of God! He is going up against the Ten Commandments and I must stop him before it goes on any further!"  
  
The female vampire nearly fell over as she heard this. She dropped the elves, took a step forward and pointed a finger at the mistaken, blood- lusty priest. "You're wrong!" Seras exclaimed. "Everything Santa does is selfless! Isn't that right?" After hearing a long pause she turned to the two elves she was currently stepping on and asked again. "Well!? Isn't it?"  
  
"Yeah! Sure! Whatever!" One of the two answered with a small bead of sweat on his face. Turning to his peers he asked, "That Nicholas is a saint, right guys?" The elves who remained conscious all gave hesitated words of agreement.  
  
One of them walked over to a wall and covered up a poster which read: "Santa's Plan: Phase 1 - Earn Children's Trust. Phase 2 - ? Phase 3 - Profit"  
  
"Lies from a corrupted horde of Satanic creatures!" Anderson yelled. He reached into his coat and smiled as two long scalpels slithered out. The weapons formed a glowing cross which accented the priest's glasses. " 'And lo, all the stupid elves shall be smitten! Amen.' "  
  
Just then, one of the elves popped up behind Anderson with a glass of egg nog in his hand. "Wait a second!" he said. "Was that suppose to be a Bible excerpt? Where does it say 'stupid elves'?"  
  
The giant holy man shifted his eyes. "It's in there," Anderson said quietly.  
  
"Hold on a second, you look familiar." The elf with his special drink slurred. "Aren't you Alexander Anderson? You're that kid who was never on the good list!"  
  
At that moment Seras noticed a throbbing vein on Anderson's forehead. Gritting his teeth, the priest said, "That fat man only brought me coal...year after year. The fact that a child as good as I could never get a gift is more than enough proof that something of the uttermost evil must be going on here."  
  
"Well you were reasonably good, I suppose," the drunken elf said as he took a sip from his glass. "But you had this hobby of torturing little animals. You cut them up and everything, it was sick! Seriously, I bet one of my friends twenty bucks that you would grow up to be a psycho or-"  
  
Unfortunately the elf never finished his sentence. He found it hard to form words with a large knife stuck in his cranium and jotting out of the back of his head. The elf fell backward, never to get up again. All the remaining, alive elves gasped at the atrocious act but one who chuckled to himself and said, "Looks like I just saved me twenty big ones."  
  
One of the two elves under Seras' foot looked up and nudged the other with his elbow. "Hey, Gary," he called. "Is it me or did it just get darker in here?"  
  
Upon hearing this, Anderson's eyes widened. He knew exactly where this was going.  
  
Instantly the room took on a dark tint of red as confident laughter echoed throughout the workshop. Sounds of flesh and blood melting could be heard. Anderson turned around only to be bombarded by a swarm of bats which flew past him before merging together. The priest glanced over his shoulder to see a familiar high level vampire smiling back at him. "So the idiot priest never got his toy train?" Alucard said. "Maybe that explains why he's such a 'dedicated worker'?"  
  
Then Seras remembered something from when they arrived. "Master was so happy when we came here," she told herself. "Was it because he knew that he was going to fight?  
  
Alucard's hand vanished underneath his coat as he went to take out his Jackal. At the same time Anderson reached for a replacement for the blade used to silence the bothersome elf. Father Alexander was first to draw and for a moment, became a little fed up. You see, Alucard has this habit of taking his dear sweet time to take out his weapon. When he was finally done, Alucard pointed his weapon of extreme destruction at his enemy who spent the last few moments tapping his foot impatiently.  
  
"Now, nosferatu," Anderson began, "prepare t-" The sentence was interrupted by the sound of a gunshot and Anderson's left arm hitting the ground. "Hmph! Don't think you've won just because-" The remaining arm joined its partner on the workshop floor. After looking at his fallen limbs, Anderson cleared his throat and faced Alucard again. "Funny story...I just remembered that I have a few people to visit tomorrow, and seeing as how late it is, I should go to bed soon."  
  
"Right," Alucard replied with his cocky smile.  
  
"I'm leaving now, but you won't be-"  
  
"So lucky next time." Alucard said. "Yes, I'm familiar with the phrase."  
  
The priest gritted his teeth as Bible pages fell out of his coat and wrapped around his entire body. From beneath the tornado of paper, Anderson said, "Till next time...Arucard," and then he was gone.  
  
"Did he just call me 'Arucard'?" the vampire said with an agitated frown as he placed his gun away. "I rather dislike it when people do that."  
  
"Uh, Master," Seras said as she walked off of the elves and joined Alucard's side. "Why didn't you do that from the start? Did you really needed to of stayed down for so long?"  
  
With a chuckle Alucard turned to the female police officer, his eyes hiding behind orange lenses. "Sometimes I like to throw the dog a bone. Besides, it t'is the season to be giving."  
  
"I suppose, but then..should you of shot his arms off?"  
  
"Thank you for saving us," one of the elves said (the only one willing to go over to Alucard after seeing the huge weapon he holds). Of course, Alucard still didn't care much for the little ones and allowed Seras to speak up for him.  
  
"Anything for Santa," Seras said. "Now, what was the other reason you needed Hellsing's help?"  
  
"Well, me and the guys really need you to go into town and pick us up a couple of six-packs."  
  
The words were like a blow to Seras' face. "What!?"  
  
"Do you know how hard it is for an elf to get someone to believe that they're over 21?" The small one asked. "And no one wants to sell booze to 'mythical creatures'."  
  
"Then what was the purpose of calling on Hellsing!?" Seras argued.  
  
"You know, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Besides, we didn't expect for our calls to be answered by vampires. That and the fact that most places were closed."  
  
---  
  
The two citizens of the dead stood in the cold outside of the workshop. A big question forced Seras to say, "Master...Where are we going to find a place that sells beer at the North Pole?" The long silence told the female vampire that her question would never be answered. She then decided to ask an even bigger one, "How are we suppose to contact Integra to pick us up?" Once again her question was met by silence. "Master, would you rather we wait in the workshop than out in this snow?"  
  
"Yes," Alucard said bluntly as he turned and hurried back toward the building.  
  
Ten minutes later, a man heavily dressed in clothes made to fight the cold walked to the exact same spot Alucard and Seras had once stood. In his hands was a tray holding several packs of beer. He looked around and then sighed. " 'I know, why don't I sell beer at the North Pole?' " the man grumbled. "Real smart, Jerry. Real smart."  
  
To be continued...  
  
--------------------------------  
  
Author's notes: I tell you, after seeing the Japanese version, it was really hard to write "vampire" instead of "vam-pai-yaa". It just sounds so cool. "Vampaiyaa"  
  
Sorry if you were expecting a greater battle, but this is a humor only story. And I don't want to alarm anyone but I'd like to give the heads up that I will be writing an estimated two more chapters after this. I know it may seem a bit short, but it's better this way than a 30 chapter story about one night's events. 


	5. This Won't Be Good for Anyone

A Very Hellsing Christmas by DoomaWriter  
  
Author's notes: Geez, at this rate it'll actually be Christmas before I'm done. Well thanks for sticking with me (those of you who actually stayed with me and are reading this).  
  
Chapter 5: This Won't Be Good For Anyone  
  
Alucard found himself growing weary of waiting. He was usually more patient but something about Santa's Happy Little Workshop of Fun didn't seem to make him comfortable. Sticking out of his leg were various tools, a sign of how he tried to pass the time earlier. But of course that got boring quickly. Alucard glanced to his left to see Seras sitting on her knees and smiling with her hands in her lap. She had just convinced the elves to sing a song in unison for her enjoyment.  
  
"So, what should we sing?" one elf asked the other three willing to join along. "Jingle Bells?"  
  
"Oh, yeah, Jingle Bells," another replied sarcastically. "The lady dreams of meeting Santa's elves her whole life, and when she gets the chance, she'd have to listen to the most common Christmas song in the history of the Earth. Real original."  
  
"Well, what song, then? It has to be one that we all know...smart-ass."  
  
The elves all took a while to think about it. Then one of them snapped his fingers and, in a really deep voice, said, "Why not Cool?" The others nodded and agreed. Upon hearing this, Alucard jammed another screwdriver into his thigh.  
  
"A one, a two. Tell me cool vibration-"  
  
"Wait, wait," one of them interrupted. "It's 'viburation isn't it?"  
  
"Yeah, but it's supposed to be vibration."  
  
"That's not how they say it, though."  
  
"Fine, can we just continue? Let's go."  
  
"Living your fantasy.  
  
Tell me who, tell me surely and the name...  
  
I'll be stunned, I'll be waiting,..-"  
  
"Woah, someone's off! What are you saying, Mike?"  
  
"The song. It's 'ghosts so far have shown', right?"  
  
The deep voiced elf answered, "Isn't it 'ghosts' horror show'?"  
  
"Why the hell did we pick this song!?"  
  
Alucard frowned. "They're butchering it!" ---  
  
Elsewhere, Integra laid back wearily in the chiming sleigh with Walter holding the reigns. "Damn him," she muttered. "I figured our job would be over at midnight." She paused before continuing, "He didn't remind us that it'd be only 11:00pm in the next time zone!"  
  
"Please, Miss Integra," Walter said, a little nervous. "We're almost done for the night." He noticed the irritation on Integra's face. It wasn't long before she reached over to the side, ripped the jingle bells off of the sleigh and threw them down. "Ma'am, what if those hit someone? Especially after falling from this height."  
  
"Good," Integra said bluntly. "If we're lucky it'll hit some children and we can skip a few houses. Speaking of which, what do we have to deliver next?"  
  
Walter put the reigns down for a moment in order to pick up a large list of children's names and presents. The majority of the list had the names crossed out. His eyes scanned down to the last few names. "Hmm, apparently a girl named Amanda asked Santa for a baby sister." Walter chuckled at the thought. "Children and their innocence."  
  
"It probably means that she'll get a doll," Integra said as she opened up the large bag of nearly depleted toys. Her eyes opened as she found an infant girl resting inside. "How the- Was this thing in here all night?"  
  
"You went through that bag repeatedly," Walter complained. "How could you not of noticed a real, living baby?"  
  
"It must of been on the bottom of the bag." she answered. "Tell me, how did a toy-maker and a bunch of elves create or obtain a baby?" The two sat quietly, wondering on how this was possible. They also wondered how the baby didn't suffocate and wasn't crushed by the weight of so much toys. And why the baby was placed on the bottom in the first place!  
  
---  
  
A knock rapped on the door of the Hellsing mansion. The door creaked open and the sound of blasting music and many voices could be heard. Standing behind it was Santa in an undershirt and shorts (not a pretty sight). "All right! Thank you, Darren," he told to the confused and frightened pizza boy.  
  
"H-how do you know m-my name?" he asked with several boxes in his hands.  
  
"Well, I've been watching you. So, how much will it be?" The young deliveryman backed up and ran for his car. He fumbled his keys into the lock, jumped into his car and screeched off.  
  
"I hate working over the holidays!!!"  
  
"Ho ho ho! That never gets old." Mr. Claus opened the box, took out a slice for himself, and then rejoined the party. "Pizza's here!"  
  
The crowd yelled a gathered, "Yay!"  
  
---  
  
The thirty-two reindeer feet gently landed upon the lawn of the next home upon the list. Walter crossed out Amanda's name and looked to the next. "Hmm, this person seems to be called Ervin E. Evil."  
  
Integra gave a skeptical eye, asked, "And this person is on the good list?"  
  
Walter shrugged. "A person doesn't choose the name they're given at birth."  
  
"Fine. What do they want?"  
  
"It says here they're supposed to receive plutonium." The two stared at each other for a while.  
  
"Tell me, Walter. What is a child supposed to do with plutonium?"  
  
"I'm afraid I'm out of touch with the fads of today's children."  
  
With a sigh, Integra took a steel-lined box out of the bag and walked toward the door. "Seems pretty careless to put the plutonium near a baby," she told herself. After forcing the door opened, she noticed the interior of Evil Manor wasn't average at all. It had a long platform leading from the door to a stand holding a Christmas tree. But on the path were an assortment of traps. Large pillars moved back and forth, routinely colliding into each other, crushing anything that may of been caught in between. A row of giant blades hung from the ceiling moved back and forth. Peering down, Integra noticed that below the path was a pool of water filled with circling sharks.  
  
"Yeah right." Integra bent down and placed the box on the path right in front of the door and walked out of the house. "I don't get paid enough for this. And now my hands are tingling."  
  
---  
  
"For the last time, it's 'take me there, take me into a revolution'!" an elf continued to argue.  
  
"Were you even listening to the song!?" another debated. "It is so obviously 'take me there, smoking a revelation!"  
  
"That makes no sense!!"  
  
"I didn't write the damn song! That's just how it goes!"  
  
"You're just crazy."  
  
"All right, you want a piece of me? I'm not afraid of you!"  
  
"You don't have the chestnuts, little man."  
  
Seras stood up to stop the two but felt something tug her arm. She looked down and saw Alucard's hand holding her back and a giant grin on his face. "Do not interfere...It just became interesting."  
  
To be continued...  
  
--------------------------------  
  
Author's notes: It's not a party until two elves fight each other because of some trivial matter. By the way, "Cool" is the opening theme for Hellsing in case anyone out there were confused. I guess now I have to point out that I don't own it. Geez it's so hard when people want to sue you. 


	6. God Save Us, Everyone!

A Very Hellsing Christmas by DoomaWriter  
  
Author's notes: Happy Holidays everyone! Believe it or not, I didn't originally intend for this fic to take so long. Apologies to all. But here it is, the final chapter! I slapped myself when I realized how friggin' close to Christmas it actually was. And finishing this comic AFTER that day seemed foolish. Almost as foolish as starting it in the summer. Oh and thanks for everyone who cleared up the whole song title thing.  
  
Chapter 6: God Save Us, Everyone!  
  
Seras began to feel very uncomfortable despite her current location in the happy-go-lucky warehouse. All the elves who weren't passed out or sleeping where busying themselves by playing Poker, complaining about carpal tunnels that was due to constant hammering, or some other activity. But the apprentice vampire couldn't feel comfortable as she noticed her master had sat in the same spot - the far corner of the workshop - for nearly an hour now. He just sat there smiling, not budging an inch. She thought that at any moment he would pull out his weapons and do a reenactment of their first encounter.  
  
"Female officer," Alucard finally said, shaking up Seras by doing so.  
  
She turned to him and tried to cover up her nervous state, "Y-yes, Master?"  
  
".......Merry Christmas."  
  
"Hmm?" That's right! It was technically Christmas Day! The sun began to rise slowly. She gave a sigh of relief and smiled, "Merry Christmas, Master."  
  
Alucard tilted his head in a way that made one of his eyes sneak out over his shades and added, "We'll have to make this day memorable won't we?" Victoria's sudden fear-stricken face caused him to laugh out. While continuing his outburst, Alucard propped himself up and then held his arms out at his sides. "Merry Christmas to all!....And to all...a good night." With that, he vanished through the wall behind him, leaving a trail of laughter in the room afterward.  
  
Seras couldn't move. Her body wouldn't let her. The hell did he mean by that? She wished to yell out "Run!" to all the dwarves but only soft squeaks escaped her mouth. Suddenly, the sound of slow footsteps came from above. He was on the roof! Why was Alucard on the roof!?  
  
Outside, Alucard walked along what he considered a "shack unfit for even the roaches within" while his red coat flapped in the wind. All night he was getting a strong urge from Integra. It was as if she hoped this whole place would crumble. And of course, her wish was his command. Alucard - slowest draw in the West - was now pointing both of his guns down. Yet he pondered 'Was the message I received a command or merely an exaggerated feeling due to a night of displeasure? Well, might as well play it safe and destroy the place.'  
  
Inside Seras looked around. Nothing yet. Maybe his Master was just trying to scare her again? That had to be it! She grew angry and remembered past thoughts of-  
  
A blast came through the roof and forced a few elves from their resting as it hit the ground. They all scrambled around screaming their heads off. One of the elves took this time to sneak the pile of Poker winnings into his shirt. Another blast destroyed the main conveyer belt in the middle of the room. Without it, toy production couldn't go on! The elves stopped and gave a cheer of joy before another blast hurled through. Seras sighed as dust from the ceiling fell upon her head.  
  
---  
  
Santa looked around the room to see the unholy mess he created. Food scrapings were all over what he guessed where important documents. Integra's clothes had been glued to the floor with some adhesive which scared St. Nick to even think about. And to top it all off, he had no clue where his pants where. He got up from the table, and scratched the long shirt he wore over his boxers with the words "Do not open 'til X-mas" on the back. Besides that, he only wore socks on his feet. Giving a long stretch he decided it was finally time to clean up.  
  
"A little Christmas magic can take care of this easy," he exclaimed with a smile. He lifted a finger before thinking to himself. "Oh, what the hey? Just one more time!" He picked up a boom box with "Property of Walter" on the side and pushed a button. As the cd within played, he ran into the hall behind the corner and waited for it to begin.  
  
"Just take those old records off the shelf!"  
  
With that line, Father Christmas slid into the room with his back turned.  
  
"I'll sit and listen to 'em by myself  
  
Today's music ain't got the same soul...  
  
Santa turned around, displaying the shades he wore and joined in. "I like that old time rock 'n' roll!" As the music went on he danced as his bowl-of- jelly-like stomach bobbed like it never bobbed before. As the song went on he did every step he could think of - Twist, Robot, Electric Slide, Hussel, Cabbage Patch, Running Man - until finally he found himself spinning on his side upon the ground.  
  
---  
  
"Master! What are you doing!?" Seras screamed, looking up from out in the snow.  
  
"I'm glad you came out," Alucard admitted. "Did you bring the extra clip like I asked?"  
  
Seras reached into her pocket and pulled out a case holding the magazine of bullets. "Yes, but I don't see how that answers my-" Before she could finish, a flock of bats swooped down, grabbed the weapon from her grasp and the flew into Alucard's left wrist, reforming his hand which reloaded his Jackal. He resumed his assault. "Master, stop!"  
  
The trigger fingers eased and Alucard rested his arms. Seras blinked as she saw her words actually had an affect. However, Alucard crushed this pleasant thought as he said, "They're back."  
  
Walter smile contrasted Integra's stern look as the two flew down in the enchanted sleigh. The reindeer came down and to a full hault as the sleigh stopped beside Seras who was now sweating bullets. Integra first looked at her, then turned her sight to the half destroyed shack - which responded with the door falling off of its hinges - and then finally at Alucard who was whistling innocently with his hands behind his back. Sir Hellsing stepped out of the craft and dropped the cigar into the snow. "Alucard!" she commanded. The man in red slowly turned his gaze to her and pointed to himself as if questioning whether she meant him. "Get in. We're leaving."  
  
By the time Seras had sat down into the vehicle, Alucard stood in front hesitant (yet still grinning). "What is it?" Integra asked. Alucard looked back at the demolished ruins. Integra crossed her arms and displayed her back to him. "Fine, but just one more." Alucard chuckled and withdrew his trusty Casull. He fired a smoking bullet through one of the windows. Pocketing the gun he worked himself onto the sleigh beside Seras.  
  
A lone elf ran up beside Seras and asked, "Would you look at the damages to this thing!" in an angry tone. "And where the hell is Rudolph!? Ah, it smells like cigarette smoke or something!" He took a closer look at the giant hole in the back only to have Integra's hand grab the back of his head and slam his face into the side. He fell back grasping his nose as red drops stained the snow.  
  
"Oops," Integra said plainly. She took her place in the sleigh beside Walter and then they were off.  
  
Seras smiled knowing that her master was content with the little damage he did. And somehow all the elves managed to stay alive! Well, not counting the one Anderson killed. All things considering, this trip went better than to be expected.  
  
"Everyone okay?" One of the elves asked.  
  
"Yeah, though I'm sure we're all mentally scarred for life," another answered.  
  
"Geez, I hope that bullet didn't hit the-"  
  
An explosion went off where Santa's workshop stood, er, used to stand.  
  
---  
  
Walter opened the door to the Hellsing Mansion and they all were greeted by a merry ol' Santa standing in the middle of an impressively clean building (fully dressed, of course). "Ho ho ho," he laughed, "So I take it you all went through the night without a hitch?" Seras and Walter smiled weakly as Integra's hard look didn't budge and Alucard's twisted smile remained the same. "And I bet you all are full with the Joy of Christmas! Ho ho!" The crew gave the same answer.  
  
"I'm surprised to see you out of your chair," Integra said with her reflecting lenses.  
  
"Oh, it's the craziest thing," Santa said. "These injuries always take care of themselves by the time my job's over! I guess it's the benefit of being immortal." Those words caused an eyebrow to go up on Alucard's face. Integra gave a glance to him and the eyebrow went back down.  
  
"We held up our part of the bargain.." Integra said. She wanted to say, "Get the hell out" but she learned to be more polite than that.  
  
"So you did. So you did. And I can't see any other reasons to trouble you kind people again. Well, unless you did something like blow up my home but I'm sure that didn't happen, right?" Seras and Walter smiled weakly as Integra's hard look was joined by a bead of sweat. Santa walked past them before turning and whispering into Seras' ear, "I'll be sure to add a special girl to my list!" He smiled and put a finger to his mouth as Seras looked back with wide eyes. He hopped upon his sleigh, called out the nine- eight reindeer names and jetted off in the sky, laughing all the way, "Ho ho ho!"  
  
"That was quite the experience," Walter said. "I expect we'll never get another one like it for the rest of our lives."  
  
"..We can be so lucky.." Integra said coldly. She then glanced at Alucard. "If your actions come back to bite us in the-"  
  
"Daylight already?" Alucard asked before giving a fake yawn. "Ugh, so sleepy! Well, I'll be off. We vampires need our sleep too, y'know. Happy Christmas, Merry Holidays and all that." He then walked off in a hurried pace, leaving for his room.  
  
"If you don't mind, I'm feeling a bit tired myself," Walter said, realizing he'd been up all night. "I'll be sure to prepare your tea on time." Integra silently followed behind. "Oh, one more thing. Merry Christmas, ma'am." Integra looked up.  
  
"B'ah. Humbug." She walked past her butler and hoped to forget this whole experience. Some wine should help.  
  
"Merry Christmas," Seras said to reassure Walter. She stood and looked back to where Santa left off. "Merry Christmas indeed."  
  
---  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Maxwell tore open his Christmas present. "You shouldn't have," he told Anderson. He opened the box and tossed it aside as he saw the horrific sight. A hand fell out and rolled onto the floor. He frowned, "That's not funny!" The priest started laughing as he held up his arm showing that his hand was missing.  
  
---  
  
Also...  
  
"But mom, I'm telling you the truth!" the little boy cried. I'm telling you, Santa was a lady! A-and she was skinny and I tried to fight her but she shot me! Oh, and Santa snuck through the door, that's why there's no sign of her through the chimney!"  
  
"Sure," Johnny's mother said. "Whatever you say."  
  
His sister coughed and snuck the word "Crazy" in between.  
  
---  
  
The End  
  
---  
  
Author's notes: And that's that. Feel free to post a reply even though its the last chapter. Hoped you like reading as much as I did writing. I don't know when I'll make another Hellsing fic. Time'll tell. So now I suppose its back to the drawing board. Hmm...A Very Hellsing Columbus Day?.......Ooh, A Very Hellsing St. Patrick's Day! Eh, I'll give it some more thought. See ya.  
  
---  
  
*shot of a briefcase*  
  
DoomaWriter: *flies by flapping his hands at his side* How about A Very Hellsing Valentine's Day? Where everyone finds true love!  
  
Seras: *head facing the screen* And who will you pair me up with?  
  
DoomaWriter: ..........Incognito?  
  
Seras: Go to Hell.  
  
Yan: Yo, yo, yo, weather man in da hiz-zous!  
  
All: .........  
  
Yan: What?........[bleep] all you [bleep]ers! 


End file.
